"Can I Bless the Yeast?"

So Lee,

Here's what you've been missing D&D wise.

After you left Jordan came back and has been playing Vogen, the Elf Librarian (Magic-User) and also Libby, the chick that gave you the crud. Vogen is in love with Libby. It's complicated.

So the group has been travelling around the same countryside near where you as Ranger the Ranger got into a fight with your future-son and time travelled mid-wrestle. After checking in on Timmy's grandmother, the crippled bus boy at the Crooked House tavern, and burning down her house after picking up a demonic spell book and magic rapier that hits anything on a 14, but NOT the target on a 16 or 17; fighting off hellhounds while one dragged Arthur's soul into the inferno; losing said demonic to spellbook to a mysterious figure that's definitely Timmy; sneaking into a giant ant hill and stealing an ant egg for a wizard-scholar who most likely is trying to create an ant-monster army; breaking the neck of a Giant Roc that had 36 HD (!) and meeting Arthur's many new characters they decided to get the hell out of Dodge.

This entailed looking for a job in the capital and hitching a ride as... security? aboard House Cannith's new airship that uses a new engine to power it made from the schematics you guys spent so long collecting. Remember all that fighting Warforged terrorists and going into the jungle with Miss Patsy and Zinzelpants and braving the zombies and weirdo skeletons in the Desolation? Yeah that all turned into this giant airship that was being used as a peace ship to make treaties with the newly discovered southern continent and their Empire. Emphasis on the past tense in that sentence.

While you were doing all those dangerous as fuck fetch quests remember your patron, Elayne? Yeah she's here too running around telling people what to do and helping to look for the vampire which is good because she totally did all the work when you guys killed the Lord of Blades. Well, her and Matt's shotgun.

Oh I forgot to mention the maybe genocide that's happening, but whatever that's not important right now.

So the party, newly named Random Task Force, is on board the ship not five minutes when Warforged terrorists, shouting something about the Lord of Blades, attempt to take control! (Imagine in the 5th element when Bruce Willis walks onto the bridge and just one-shots that guy completely winning in one quick motion). After a pretty terrible rescue attempt of the engineers being held hostage in the engine room, the party had won! Except all the engineers died and Libby fell on a smoke bomb after being sent in (naked) as a distraction.

So she's rushed to the infirmary and the rest of the group splits into 2 (!) to search the rest of the decks for any trouble telling the ship's Captain to have everyone on board go to the top deck. LOL. Naturally the emissaries/ambassadors all decide to help cause they think they're tough shit, but they all end up dead. Right at the moment the party gets there to see them murdered by a mysterious black cloud of course. Please keep in mind these guys are all badasses. And they're dead.

The final confrontation happens in the hold of the ship fighting on and around crates.

Them:  "What's in these crates?"
Me: "/shrug"
Them: "How do you not know what's in the crates?"

How I should've responded was having bad guys burst out at that moment and then looked them dead in the eyes and said "Happy?"

Just as the guy I was trying to frame (successfully?) as the vampire is murdered by said mysterious black cloud in front of their eyes the cloud takes humanoid form and slowly dissolves away into...

Everyone: "Is it Elayne? It's Elayne isn't it?"
Me: "...Yeah, totally. It is definitely Elayne. Was gonna be the whole time..." [deletes notes]

Turns out you can't hit a vampire unless using a holy weapon, or silver which the corpses around them have. Damian's golden, holy mace does a shitload of damage to her and Jordan's magic rapier keeps accidentally hitting Amanda. Things aren't looking good. Mostly because vampires feed on people's life force, and in D&D what is the most precious form of life force?

Levels. Yep she was eating their levels! Just by touching them! Bummer!
Also she raised zombies and at one point mind controlled Jordan into attacking everybody while she hid in the rafters and regenerated life.

Yeah turns out vampires are bad news.
This is how we left it last week.

THIS WEEK SHIT GOT REAL.

The Mage Ambassador from Aundair and her cronies came down and cast a battlefield spell that imbued everyone with fighting prowess. It was pretty awesome. Golden light enveloping their muscles and shit, I was proud of myself.

Jordan couldn't come and he let the others play as him (smh), but Arthur rolled two crits as Vogen and did decent damage to the vampire and her zombie minions. Damian did some crazy holy mace damage again and things were looking good. The tide had turned!

So Vamp-Elayne decides to bail. Blasts a hole in the side of the ship and grows wings. Arthur intercepts her with his two characters Vogen and Peaches while Damian casts Yeast on the ship hole and Amanda blesses it.

So now there's a living patch of holy yeast on the escape route. Was it going to do anything? Maybe burn a little? Cause a holy-unholy infection? Who knows, because while standing in front of the hole they kept shooting arrows at Vamp-Elayne who proceeded to pick up Vogen and use him as an Elf shield.

You see where this is going? Yeah she threw Vogen's corpse at the three of them in front of the hole and they all dangled "thousands of miles" in the air.

Except Vogen. Vogen tumbled like a rag doll towards the ground. But he wasn't completely useless yet.

JaNice, Amanda's character was on the bottom of this barrel of monkeys strand and she failed miserably to try and climb up, slipping and falling after Vogen. But this is where things get fucking awesome.

Have you seen that movie with Wesley Snipes and the parachuters? Drop Zone? Fuck it, any movie where someone falls out of a plane and speeds up to catch up to somebody? JaNice does that and grabs onto Vogen's body and uses him to cushion her fall.

AND IT FUCKING WORKS.

It was amazing man, I wish everyone in the world could've seen it.

Meanwhile, Peaches and Ganthet are still fucked, hanging from the ship, but they miraculously manage to climb up just as the Aundair Ambassador launches a fireball and incinerates the Vampire. Promptly, Libby finally shows up with a "life boat" and they get the fuck off the ship just in time to see it ripped to shreds in a massive explosion and crash into Sharn (where this all started) levelling a third of the city.

They find JaNice a few days later in an emergency shelter set up for the victims of the crash and she is surrounded by a group of mid-tier aristocrats who worship her as their new queen. And a puppy.

Epic success! ... ?

With love,
Christopher.

On the (Not Quite) Evil Empire

Final Fantasy X is getting a remastered HD release due out in North America in March, and as exciting as this is I can't help but wish this was of Final Fantasy XII instead. X's story is great, and probably the most concise of the entire series (excepting any of the XIII series which I skipped because it felt more movie than game), but XII really had it all for me. Though now replaying XII I've found the lack of character mechanical difference a shortcoming.

Gameplay being changed by using different characters adds attachment to these characters because they're the best in the group at what they do. The ability to LP grind your way to super-powered sameness in FF12 is at once a draw and a downside. This is probably because I've grown attached to the LotFP way of specializing roles so that the party NEEDS a character of a specific class if they want to get far at all with anything. Now if only my all-fighters all the time players could figure that out we'd be doing great. 

Now to the real reason I've gathered you here: the Empire. In our campaign world I set up an Empire that I was trying to model on the Warhammer40k Empire of Man, but things didn't turn out that way. Partly because this tactic required knowledge of a universe that I only have a cursory knowledge of through video games and old splat books as I could find. And partly because through gameplay the players in the Empire are chaotic evil rascals that making the Imperials "Xeno" hating conquerors didn't seem quite as fun as making THEM the good guys. Well, "good" guys. What Imperialist regime is truly Good?

Anyway despite all of my intentions the descriptions of the Empire became modeled on those of the Archadian Empire from FF12. So here's an image dump courtesy of Google to help your imagination.

Airships of the Dragonmarked Houses

Personal Airship

Personal Airship

Justicars

Imperial Engineers

Imperial Mages

Imperial Grunts

Imperial Priests

The Emperor's Flagship

Imperial Battleship

Imperial Patrolcraft

Imperial Supply Ship

Anything that is ring based is a bound elemental whose power is keeping the ship afloat, so notice the larger craft have a TON of those. Except I can't really see any on the Emperor's flagship, I guess they're there. If not it must be his Holiness' Divine Will.

New Class: Geomancer

  It should be obvious that not all magic users are "Magic-Users." Formal training and spells named after great wizards aren't that commonplace. Sure, the emperor's Inquisitor's seem to be everywhere these days, searching for demon worshipers (supposedly) and (supposed) seditionists, but not all citizens with the ability to perform magic want to be Inquisitors, and not all magically talented beings are imperial citizens. Some individuals don't even consider what they're doing to be Magic, with a big m. Instead they see their abilities as gifts of spirits, or gods, or just natural abilities that if you told them no one else could perform they would be shocked.

  The Gnoll-King Cold-With-Sun was the most (in)famous of these types of base magicians because of his combined use of magic with a rare charisma not seen in many beast men to build an army large enough to take the Empire's keep at Spaw'ra in the Bone Plains. Cold-With-Sun's forces raided as far as the shores on the far side of the eastern desert and stole many holy artifacts, hiding behind great sandstorms, and removing the power of local temples to heal their congregations and passersby.

  Rumour has it that a Red Dragon from mountains that separate the Bone Plains and the Empire proper has recently taken a violent interest in the Spaw'ran keep, and whether this development proves good or ill is yet to be seen.

New class for Old School D&D inspired games based on the Final Fantasy Tactics Geomancer Job Class.

Geomancer
HD as Specialist
Saves and XP as Magic-User
Max Level: 12

This is kind of what I've always wanted instead of the D&D Druid.

Geomancers get 9 spell like abilities, one at each level starting with the one that makes the most sense for their homeland. Upon reaching 12th level the Geomancer has the option of increasing the power of his spells once more or attaining the extremely powerful Sinkhole ability.

Geomancy rules
To Hit: WIS check
Whenever a 6 is rolled on a damage die the target must make a save vs spells or suffer the spell's Special effect. Any additional 6s rolled add a cumulative -2 penalty to the save.

Geomancy progression
Level 1: Starting regional based spell
Level 2: New spell
Level 3: New spell
Level 4: All Geomancy now does 2d6 dmg
Level 5: New spell
Level 6: New spell
Level 7: All Geomancy now does 3d6 dmg
Level 8: New spell
Level 9: New spell
Level 10: All Geomancy now does 4d6 dmg
Level 11: New spell
Level 12: Sinkhole OR All Geomancy now does 5d6 dmg

Spell Descriptions

Torrent: Attack with the power of running water. Those who live near large bodies of water start with this, the pirates that sail the Narnak Blue use this spell to swamp the ships of their enemies and knock the crewman into the sea. Special: drown with globe of water surrounding creature's head. Save means unconscious.

Tanglevine: Attack with the power of plants. Vines sprout and attack the target. Special: target is held immobile as the spell Entangle.

Tremor: Attack with the power of stone. Causes the earth to spew forth missiles of rock and stone to pelt the target. Special: Target is completely encased in stone and petrified.

Wind Slash: Attack with the power of wind. This attack can be used one of two ways: as blades that sear and cut the target with a Special bonus of showing the target so they move at half speed, OR as a giant buffeting gust that has a chance of knocking the target down.

Quicksand: Attack with the power of standing water. Use swamp or Marsh water similarly to Torrent except this spell is more focused on pulling the target under the water. Special: chance for target to be poisoned or diseased by fetid water, penalty to save against this if target has already suffered wounds.

Storm: Attack with a working combination of the elements. The storm spell comes in a number of varieties, but they all have one thing in common. They all combine the power of wind with another element to surround, and at times, consume their victims. Ample amounts of both elements must be in attendance as Storm uses lots of both.

Flameblast: Attack with the power of fire. Some fire source must be present, like a torch or campfire, if used at night. The sun is sufficient during the day time unless completely obscured by clouds. Special: target is on fire and takes continual fire damage.

Mama Surge: from deep beneath the earth mama surges upwards to consume your foes. If not used near an apparent magma flow or active volcano this spell permanently creates an active volcano. Use carefully. Special: Target is consumed by lava and dies immediately.

Sinkhole: This optional 12th level spell opens a rift in space-time devouring fragments or all of your foe. Sinkhole does 6d6 damage. If all ones are rolled the Geomancer loses control of the hole and it grows to consume all creation. DM fiat on how much time is given to say goodbye to loved ones.  Special: Target is consumed utterly as the spell Disintegrate.

After writing this whole thing I realize now this class is very much like the Avatar cartoon.

Impermanence in the Face of Immortality

Do elves truly love all that lives or is that just a myth perpetuated by others, legend and lore, a false rumor on the table? Nothing is certain, but they do in a sense. It is true if you look into their eyes you can see a glimmer that'll tug on your heart, like starting into the eyes of an old flame. Love dead and buried beneath years of stacked dislike defensively built around the halcyon memories. Except elves don't fraternize, this love isn't personal. Not anymore, not this century.

All souls begin as elemental, ethereal beings with their highest physical form being elves. Elves aren't immortal, but for the other races they might as well be. Even the long lived Dwarves can't remember an instance of an elf dying of old age. Violent death is a different matter. Whenever an elf dies their soul is recycled into the birth pool of the lower races, and some is lost in the process. They believe all souls do this which might be true. When an elf kills it is to release the soul to try again at another life. They would tell you it isn't murder, and can be very snide about it honestly. Society isn't a fan of this.

Because of this connection across multiple incarnations of a soul whenever you lock eyes with an elf there's a 10% chance you've met before. Well, they've met you.

Roll d10 to find out how this elf knows you.

1. Former family member: Mother/father/brother/sister/cousin. You should hit them up for magical items. You were about to anyway.

2. Arch-enemy that would gladly see you die a thousand deaths. Except they're probably pretty busy right now. You've been gone a while now with the being dead and reborn as a lesser race and all. Where did those minions run off to? He'll have them kill you just wait right there.

3. Murderer: in a past life/lives this person killed you. You should ask why or just take revenge immediately, ya sociopath.

4. Lover: your soul-mate. Well one of them. That next Sex Point might be coming up real soon.

5. Adventuring comrade! Remember that time 3,489 years ago you slew that troll arch-mage with a broken arm, a dagger and a flock of bluejays? No? Well trust us, it was awesome. Immediately follows as Henchman.

6. You saved their life once, and now they owe you a favor. Make it good.

7. Rival! Can't resist a bet based on a competition between the two of you and they just happen to know where your mcguffin is, but if he beats you there he gets to keep it. This is when his crew shows up and they look equal to your party.

8. Business partner who's a little nervous about some old debts that hopefully you don't bring up and keeps patting the coin purse slung hidden under their shirt self consciously and looking at the door.

9. Drinking buddy that gave up the old haunts after you died and is now a traveling gourmand who can teach you hows to stretch your rations while also slightly improving their taste. Knows a ton about this location/region.

10. Roll Twice! And if you get family member/lover combo and don't want to roleplay some oedipal shit I understand. It'd be hilarious, but just re-roll I guess.

If you have any more leave a comment and we'll add it to the table.

Must succeed on an Intelligence Check or go insane with new influx of knowledge for 1d6 days. INT mod affects days spent insane.

Weekends blah, amiright?

Not really, I had my first weekend off in about 9 months last week and it was glorious. I felt so free enjoying two days off in a row with the rest of the world.

One of the bad things about weekends, besides the constantly having to work them part, is no one on my blogroll updates on them. Seriously guys, I'm bored at work, give me something new to read! There's always Longreads of course, but I generally don't have THAT much time. I'm constantly refreshing looking for a new random table or some new, otherworldly monster for D&D. Sure i could just write my own, but I'm far too lazy for that. All the bitching being said here's a new monster:

BOOK FIEND (great name right?)

This lesser fiend looks like a wizard's lost spellbook except this of course is a trap. The clever devil uses the disguise to feed on the wonder and possibility that race through the reader's mind. It's "pages" have an illusion cast upon them that reads as whatever the victim imagined to be inside the pages in the first place. Victims are stuck in this trance until broken bu outside contact or until they die of hunger.
Barbarians and other characters with less than 8 Intelligence don't fall for the illusion and see the fiend as just a mundane book. If a player comes upon the fiend feeding on another being they can make a WIS/INT check to discern its real nature.

Magic Users could possibly command the fiend to tap into the memories and lives by making a Save vs. Magic at -2. Success means gaining a random spell of level 1d6 (stronger wizards don't fuck with the monster and thus won't lose any spells). Failure means losing a random prepared spell with another Save vs. Magic to see if that spell is burned out of their memory and unusable forever.

Any further attempts at domination must be made at a cumulative extra -2. If all spells are burned out of the character's mind then they can never cast again and go insane at the trauma of losing their connection to ultimate power.